Thursday, 13 February 2014

Journey into the tube of Claustrophobia

So about three weeks ago, my right arm went numb.

Well that's certainly something that shouldn't happen!

But then it spread, to three of fingers, down my leg and hip, across the back of my shoulders, down my other forearm, a slight dusting on the tops of my feet.

That REALLY shouldn't happen!

So I went to a few doctors, and they all said, nah, its just a pinched nerve, you'll get better! Just leave it.

Well, then the pain started.

So the next doctor finally believed me, and went, right, lets do some scans and see this nice man at Manly hospital and hopefully he can give you some answers because you baffle me.

So they slid me into an MRI machine to do some scans on my spine and back, and of course they couldn't fit the headphones into the contraption that holds your head in place, so all I heard for an hour was BANG BANG BANG DRILL WHIIIRRRRR.

I was presented with these interesting looking scans and spent the weeks between sessions trying to figure out all the interesting and life changing things that could possibly be wrong with me, considering I was currently a mystery to my doctor.

Turns out that I am a mystery to the Head of the Neurological Department at Manly hospital too.

Isn't that wonderful?

He really was a lovely man, as he poked and prodded me and stuck me with sharp pointy objects to test my feeling in my limbs. As lovely as a medical man who pokes and prods you can be.

And at the end of the session, when he looked over my scans, I held by breath to be diagnosed with some horrible sensory eating disease that only someone (with an Internet connection and a mother who has been through so many hospitals and has had so many things wrong with her and had an entire medical journal written about her) like me could have.

He turned to me and said he was baffled by me as well.

And I let out an exhausted HA!

He then sat down in his chair opposite me, and handed me two pieces of paper. One was a referral to have an Nerve Conduction Study done, and another to be stuffed back inside the great tube of claustrophobia to have an MRI done on my brain.

'Just to see if everything is alright in your head. Nothing to worry about.'

Of course, my brain didn't register this until I was walking to the doctors to book in the said journey into the tube of claustrophobia.

My brain? They want to scan my brain?

Oh god, what's wrong with my brain?!

I rang my my boss up in tears, asking if I could leave early tomorrow, but she gave me the whole day, and I then went straight home and ate a whole packet of mini kinder Easter eggs.

Now that I am sitting here, all calmed down and not thinking my brain is a ticking time bomb, I'm just a little bit relieved.

But mostly just frustrated and feeling numb. Literally feeling numb.

You know, when there is something wrong with your body? And you KNOW there is something wrong with your body? But the people with no medical training keep telling you what it is, and those who actually count, can't tell you anything?

I'm aching and numb and its so uncomfortable and I'm AFRAID. When all this first happened, I thought I was having a heart attack. Now it's been almost a month of underlying fear.

And I have to wait even longer to get all these tests done.

And pay a whole of money, eight hundred dollars, for the privilege.

But when it comes down to your health? You can't really count the cost.

For now, I just want to think happy thoughts.

And I've got a two day head start to my holiday!

I guess there is that.

Sunday, 17 November 2013

Chocolate Addiction

So, let's talk about addiction.

When you realise something that you love, isn't so much a love anymore, but something you feel like you desperately need.

In my adult life, sugar has never really been a problem. I have no desire for candy or anything like that.

But chocolate? That's a different story.

It seems so hard to admit, you know? That a food can make me loose all self control. But it has, and I thought I was getting myself back on track.

This week, on the way home, after work each day, I bought myself a Mint Pattie. And I was only allowed to eat it when I had finished a whole bottle of water first.

And it worked. It soothed my cravings.

That was until yesterday.

I never should have walked down that isle. I was upset and missing my family. I hadn't gone to the gym the day before because I had so much to do at home. I had slept for fourteen hours because I was so tired and aching, which made me even more tired and sore.

So I bought two blocks of Bubbly chocolate and ate most of them within an hour.

Oh man, you do know how sick I felt after all that?

I woke up this morning feeling still so bloated that I didn't want to get up.

But I guess, this is what I needed to make myself realise that even though I FEEL like I need it, my body doesn't want it anymore.

After I finished the vacuuming this morning, I had the last two rows of bubbly.

And it felt good. That old feeling of GOOD. Not, I NEED IT.

So this is the challenge I am setting myself this week.

IDENTIFY the triggers.
I ate so much chocolate because I feeling upset, I used food as comfort. I need to notice these triggers so I can avoid the temptation.

AVOID the temptation.
These feelings usually hit me after work. I walk out of work most days a wound up ball of tension. And there are THREE chocolate stores on the way to the bus stop. THREE. So when I feel like I am going to cave, and will avoid these parts of the walk instead.
SATE the cravings.
Before I hop on the bus, there is a Coles. Making sure my bottle of water is filled before I leave work, I have been popping in, walking straight to the registers to avoid temptation of buying anything else, and purchasing a tiny chocolate. I think I will keep on doing, because as I have discovered, cold turkey is bad for me, it makes me angry and cranky and winds up with a massive binge. I have limited myself to only buying ONE of the little tiny chocolates. While the first few weeks of cravings hit me really hard. And to be honest, I don't trust myself doing anything else.

NOT FEELING GUILTY for the little bit a day.
 This week, I was really naughty. I admit it. At the beginning of the week, I had bought myself something I wanted for a long time, a proper fitness journal, where I can record everything that I eat and everything I do at the gym. And in a moment of pure idiocy and self hate, I wrote things in the margins like, 'No one likes a fat Doctor Who fan!' or 'If you eat chocolate today, you will be an UGLY BRIDE!' and my all time favourite, 'Don't want to look like a Marshmallow in a white dress? DON'T FUCKING EAT CHOCOLATE YOU LITTLE SHIT.'

And what did I do the whole week when I was limiting myself to one little bit a day? Feeling guilty about it! I will not let myself be overcome by guilt because of it! No no no!

My trainers at the gym say that I should try cutting out as much sugar as I can for a month. And see how I feel afterwards. And if you must have that something, give yourself the time to make it yourself. So you know exactly what goes into it. So the timer starts now! I'm going to cut out as much sweetness as I can, for this month, and once the Christmas season really hits, I can hopefully put my will power to the test so I don't overindulge.

Of course, my Christmas treats will ALL be homemade! Now that is something I am looking forward to blogging about!

Have you ever felt like you have been addicted to a food? Maybe the Internet? Social media? Television? Soft drinks? What steps did you take to overcome it?


Sunday, 8 September 2013

Why does Yoga always make me cry?

As part of my goals for this month (starting the fifth of September, because you NEVER start things during your monthlies because it NEVER works), I said I would go to Japanese Yoga every Saturday for the duration. I have been for two sessions so far, and have been loving it, even if it has been very difficult.

But, I have started practicing Yoga, because it usually brings me peace.

One out of five so far!

What we were working on yesterday, I believe, was the intestines and the spleen. I'm not too sure, but there was a lot of hip work.

I took a plush green mat and set up shop at the back of the room. I was in about the middle of the room, and was feeling a bit uncomfortable when a group of ladies set up their mats next to me. They were boasting in very loud voices about their children, and for some reason I just didn't feel right being near them.

We started the class, and my lower back, hips, and bad knee were really hurting me, and making things difficult. Friday was a very long eighteen hours awake, ten and a half hours of running around, on my feet, no break and stressed out kind of day. I had reason to be sore.

There was a particularly hard move, I can't remember which, but all of a sudden I felt tears slipping down my cheeks.

Now I normally get a bit teary during yoga. Our teacher is a very lovely lady which such a kind face and a voice that sounds like pure honey, so when she talks about being calm and being the best people we can be, well, you can't NOT get a little bit emotional.

But this was not that little catch in the throat.

Years of experience have meant that I can pretty much cry in silence, which is what I thanked my lucky stars for here. You can hear a pin drop in that room, and being the largest person in said room, you can believe me when i say that I don't feel the most confident.

The tears were just leaking out of my eyes. I couldn't stop them, and I tried helplessly to mop them up with my shirt in between moves. I thought I had them under control until we had to break up into pairs.

Of course, I was the odd one out.

So she hopped over to me and helped me get into position, but stopped when she could see I was crying. She asked me in that really kind voice if everything was okay, if I was hurting, if there was anything I wanted to tell her.

I told her that I had an old knee injury, and that my back was really hurting, and I didn't really know what it meant. Especially since she talks about blockages in the body and meridians, and a place three finger widths below the navel. All these things I don't really understand just yet. She just smiled at me and said I was doing very well for coming to these classes, and that maybe I should take a rest.

And I nodded. I laid back down on my mat and starting doing those exercises where you bend your knees and roll them from side to side towards the ground. I can do those well.

I tried to block everything out. Control my tears, but all I could hear from the women beside me, was:

"Why on earth is she crying?"
"I don't know why she's in this class anyway."
"She can hardly do any of the poses."

That was it, I was gone. For the remainder of the class I kept my eyes closed, except when I had to look at a new position. When we were finished, I busied myself with my mat until most of the people had left, then kept my head down and high tailed it out of there.

When I finally got into the safety of the shower stall, I cried my heart out. Not because of anything, but because I was in a safe place to do so. No one could see me, I didn't make a peep, and I needed it.

Later on, I was laying on the bed nursing this crying hangover, and It got me thinking as to WHY. Why does yoga always make me cry? Setting aside the one class with the catty women.

Yoga ALWAYS makes me cry, in one way or another.

I guess the reality comes down to three things. Frustration for not being able to move my body like I want to, emotional release, and the fact that I can't for the LIFE of me, take proper care of myself.

Sure, I can take care of other people, I'm a wiz at that. I can keep Mr Bond, and Moneypenny, and my Mother and my work mates, and everyone else happy. I can feed them and clean for them and give them advice and be happy to do anything for them.

But give me a moment to do something for me, and I will either sit around, find an excuse NOT to do it, or fill it with other things instead. Really, about the only time I even go shopping for myself is when I go shopping for others.

Yoga is taking care of myself. And I don't think my body can handle that kindness just yet.

So here I go, into another week. With everything that happened yesterday, the election, the worrying about the future of my job, and the country I live in, I am not going into this very busy work a day week with much confidence. I'm facing a week of under staffing, mountains of work, and extra long hours. I am missing seeing Mr Bond more than ever. I am feeling so sad, and all I want to do is curl up in bed and never leave the house.

So you can imagine that it is very hard for me to summon up the strength to actually do something for myself.

What do you do for yourself? Are you the same as me? Are they few and far in between? Or do you do things pretty often? What do you do?

What should I do?

Sunday, 1 September 2013

Spring time & Rewarding Myself

Well, what do you know! It is the First of September!

Although I do not like where the weather is going at the moment, I can't help but get caught up in all this spring business. Everyone is cleaning and sprucing up their homes and their lives alike, and I want to get in on this!

This is the time of year where there is a lull of family occassions, that time between my holidays, Mr Bond's birthday, and Christmas, where I have the blissful time to focus on myself (outside of everything else!) but I find that I rarely do.

I already started working on small goals with Mr Bond with help from the chalkboard on our kitchen wall, and do you know what? It's working! We have already started having dinner sitting out our little table, have been taking multivitamins, and this week, we successfully cooked every dinner that I had planned from our weekly shop.

That was the first goal that I made with a reward in mind. You see what rewards can do?

So this time, I am not going to let this opportunity go! I'm going to take this time to make some goals that are all about me!

Mr Bond can tell you, especially, that I don't take much time out for myself, or really care for myself at all. So I think I deserve this.

(♥)  Go to Japanese Yoga at 710am on Saturday mornings at my gym, every single week during September. It's a more dynamic yoga class, I've been for three weeks now, and its great!
(♥) Take my Multi vitamin, my Zinc+ and my B Complex every morning, and chlorophyll every night, to work with my Aunty the Nutritionist, to help clear up my very sore skin.
(♥) Buy the Shea Butter products from L'occitane (which doesn't burn my skin! Yay!) to help get my skin healthy again!
(♥) Limit my sweet intake to weekends and nights out only, so I can help curb this sugar habit fueled by stress.
(♥) Take my lunch to work four days a week.

I think that is enough for now. But who can forget the rewards!

(♥) For Yoga, I get to treat myself to a swim costume, and a sauna at the gym!
(♥) For the multi vitamins, and the skin products, I get to have a mani/pedi! And hopefully, if they work, clear skin!
(♥) Limiting the sugar? I get to go to the Lindt cafe and have a special sundae!
(♥) And taking lunch to work? I get to save money and put more into my wedding fund!

It may seem like a lot, but I've learned that the one way to get your arse into gear is to not only see a result at the end, but actually get REWARDED for it! I've been doing a lot of work, but not really doing anything for myself in return. Which is why I have been failing so much in doing things just for me.

Spring is change!

And I can not wait to change myself for the better!

Thursday, 29 August 2013

Life, and Face Value

Design Mom Collection: Louisa May Alcott "Little Women" Not Afraid of Storms Quote, Hand-Lettered Print, 5" x 7"

We all have friends.

My little group, the inner circle, consists of, with Codenames of course, Mr Bond; my fiance', and Moneypenny; my very best friend, and myself. I love them both very much, but sometimes...

You see, we have these unwritten rules. The things that you just KNOW what not to do, or to do, and how to do it.

For example:

They both get cranky if we are up too late on a work night.
Apparently, arguing while playing co-op video games is NOT arguing.
Moneypenny is always the banker in Monopoly.
I have to plan everything down to the letter otherwise they will never leave the house.
If you think someone is talking bullshit, you point them out on said bullshit, then watch as they try and justify their response, THEN you smile and nod.
Never taunt each others ships. Except in Mr Bond's case, you sink them.
Do not draw attention to Mr Bond's man crushes on Hugh Jackman, Robert Downey Jr, and Thor (Not Chris Hemsworth, just Thor).

And we all have those certain topics that we can NOT for the life of us, talk about. Less it dissolve into a massive argument of epic proportions.

Moneypenny's inability to hear her own squeaks


Weight loss

We try to never talk about weight loss. Everyone has differing opinions. Which is perfectly fine.

For Moneypenny's family, weight loss surgery has done wonders for her mother, who had very bad insulin resistant diabetes. She is practically cured, and has lost an enormous amount of weight.

For my family however, surgery has done the opposite. For my mother had the surgery done twice, the second time she basically erased her medical history and visited new doctors and surgeons. Both times she hovered over the brink of death.

Personally, unless I was in a life or death situation, I would not touch weight loss surgery with a ten foot pole.

And I like to think that that is okay.

What I do NOT like, however, is being told that no one really has a very good chance of loosing weight without surgery.

Or that I should 'really think about doing something too'.

People, sometimes, take things too much for face value. Even when you know a person well. Sometimes you look at something, and take it for what you see. I doubt there is a person alive that does not do this at one time or another.

But it doesn't make it hurt any less.

Being told that I 'should really think about doing something', when I am already getting up at three am to go to the gym before work five days a week, and five am on a weekend to fit in a Japanese Yoga class before all my washing and housework.

Being told that I 'should really think about doing something', when I am mixing vegetable puree into everything I make, and bulking all my meals up with vegetables and vitamins and fiber in a desperate attempt to make my already healthy food healthier. Making myself miserable by denying myself anything that I normally love, and feeling even worse when I eventually cave.

Being told that I 'should really think about doing something', when I'm afraid to sit down when I'm around other people, because they might think I am too lazy and unhealthy to keep going. When I refuse to eat in front of people that I do not know, just in case they think I am too fat to eat.

But then sometimes, the pot calls the kettle black because they feel bad about falling into a rut themselves.

I doubt that that comment was meant to be said in a mean way, but my heart takes things different ways.

But I can not help but be affected by those words. I have a wedding that I am planning for. There in lies the time limit. I have two years to loose all the weight I can so I do not look like a marshmallow walking down the aisle.

Saying that I can not loose weight successfully without surgery?

Those are fighting words.

So now I have the power. I am going to prove her wrong. I can going to prove to her, and to everyone, that I can get healthy without relying on butchering my internal organs. I refuse to use what I think is meant to be for the very sick and unfortunate, just so I can loose the weight.

I want to do this on my own, not by having all the hard work done for me.

Oh, I will fail sometimes. I will gain weight instead of loose, some weeks. I will slip up and devour an entire box of chocolates or tub of ice cream. Not put in as much effort at the gym. But to fail is to be human, and as long as I get back on track, then have a I really failed?

I am going to prove to myself that I can be strong and motivated, and that I have the power to change my own fate.

This is not about weight anymore. This is about making myself feel good, making myself feel proud.

In the end, if someone elects to have surgery to help them, then I will not judge them.

But I am my own person, and I will do it my own way. Even if it means that the only person who believes in me at the start, is me.

Monday, 26 August 2013


Welcome to Three Am Sunrise.

A blog inspired my life, loves, and the fact that my day starts at three in the morning.

A while ago, my old blog faded into nothingness. It felt foreign, and was revamped one too many times. I was tormented by old posts, and well, it didn't feel like home anymore.

But I have to say, for as long as I have been working on this site, it has been starting to feel more and more like somewhere I belong!

As I start to work on posts, I hope that you will drop by, have a read and have a chat. Everyone is welcome here!

And I will do my part to keep this blog in the sunlight, even if I don't get to see much of that natural sunlight myself!