Sunday, 8 September 2013

Why does Yoga always make me cry?




As part of my goals for this month (starting the fifth of September, because you NEVER start things during your monthlies because it NEVER works), I said I would go to Japanese Yoga every Saturday for the duration. I have been for two sessions so far, and have been loving it, even if it has been very difficult.

But, I have started practicing Yoga, because it usually brings me peace.

One out of five so far!

What we were working on yesterday, I believe, was the intestines and the spleen. I'm not too sure, but there was a lot of hip work.

I took a plush green mat and set up shop at the back of the room. I was in about the middle of the room, and was feeling a bit uncomfortable when a group of ladies set up their mats next to me. They were boasting in very loud voices about their children, and for some reason I just didn't feel right being near them.

We started the class, and my lower back, hips, and bad knee were really hurting me, and making things difficult. Friday was a very long eighteen hours awake, ten and a half hours of running around, on my feet, no break and stressed out kind of day. I had reason to be sore.

There was a particularly hard move, I can't remember which, but all of a sudden I felt tears slipping down my cheeks.

Now I normally get a bit teary during yoga. Our teacher is a very lovely lady which such a kind face and a voice that sounds like pure honey, so when she talks about being calm and being the best people we can be, well, you can't NOT get a little bit emotional.

But this was not that little catch in the throat.

Years of experience have meant that I can pretty much cry in silence, which is what I thanked my lucky stars for here. You can hear a pin drop in that room, and being the largest person in said room, you can believe me when i say that I don't feel the most confident.

The tears were just leaking out of my eyes. I couldn't stop them, and I tried helplessly to mop them up with my shirt in between moves. I thought I had them under control until we had to break up into pairs.

Of course, I was the odd one out.

So she hopped over to me and helped me get into position, but stopped when she could see I was crying. She asked me in that really kind voice if everything was okay, if I was hurting, if there was anything I wanted to tell her.

I told her that I had an old knee injury, and that my back was really hurting, and I didn't really know what it meant. Especially since she talks about blockages in the body and meridians, and a place three finger widths below the navel. All these things I don't really understand just yet. She just smiled at me and said I was doing very well for coming to these classes, and that maybe I should take a rest.

And I nodded. I laid back down on my mat and starting doing those exercises where you bend your knees and roll them from side to side towards the ground. I can do those well.

I tried to block everything out. Control my tears, but all I could hear from the women beside me, was:

"Why on earth is she crying?"
"I don't know why she's in this class anyway."
"She can hardly do any of the poses."


That was it, I was gone. For the remainder of the class I kept my eyes closed, except when I had to look at a new position. When we were finished, I busied myself with my mat until most of the people had left, then kept my head down and high tailed it out of there.

When I finally got into the safety of the shower stall, I cried my heart out. Not because of anything, but because I was in a safe place to do so. No one could see me, I didn't make a peep, and I needed it.

Later on, I was laying on the bed nursing this crying hangover, and It got me thinking as to WHY. Why does yoga always make me cry? Setting aside the one class with the catty women.

Yoga ALWAYS makes me cry, in one way or another.

I guess the reality comes down to three things. Frustration for not being able to move my body like I want to, emotional release, and the fact that I can't for the LIFE of me, take proper care of myself.

Sure, I can take care of other people, I'm a wiz at that. I can keep Mr Bond, and Moneypenny, and my Mother and my work mates, and everyone else happy. I can feed them and clean for them and give them advice and be happy to do anything for them.

But give me a moment to do something for me, and I will either sit around, find an excuse NOT to do it, or fill it with other things instead. Really, about the only time I even go shopping for myself is when I go shopping for others.

Yoga is taking care of myself. And I don't think my body can handle that kindness just yet.

So here I go, into another week. With everything that happened yesterday, the election, the worrying about the future of my job, and the country I live in, I am not going into this very busy work a day week with much confidence. I'm facing a week of under staffing, mountains of work, and extra long hours. I am missing seeing Mr Bond more than ever. I am feeling so sad, and all I want to do is curl up in bed and never leave the house.

So you can imagine that it is very hard for me to summon up the strength to actually do something for myself.

What do you do for yourself? Are you the same as me? Are they few and far in between? Or do you do things pretty often? What do you do?

What should I do?



6 comments:

  1. Mindfulness meditation has been my lifesaver. At first it was hard, and I would get caught up in my own thoughts but I kept with it and now I do it all the time. If it is something you want to be able to do then you need to keep with it :) Ignore the catty girls something tells me that they are tall and blonde, but that is all they have!
    Keep going.
    If you want to see what Mindfulness is have a look at this http://smilingmind.com.au/

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    Replies
    1. Oh they were defiantly tall and blonde, boasting about their children and prancing around like they were the best in the world. I do have the Mindfulness app on my phone, I used to meditate on the bus on the way to the gym in the morning, but I stopped. I'll have to keep going with it!

      Thank you Heather :)

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  2. Honey those women and their catty comments, says so much more about them, than it ever could about you.

    When you're someone who naturally takes care of others, it can be hard to stop and put yourself first sometimes, to put your needs ahead of anyone elses but if you don't do that occasionally, you won't be able to take care of others. Self love is the hardest BUT it's the most rewarding.

    You are worth it Britt, never think you're not because you are xx

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  3. i have only just started yoga but for me its like a rush of emotions.

    oh i really want to tell them where to shove it. only because i read posts on tumblr about how everyone starts somewhere. that was what i thought of when i read this.

    as women we can be so damn catty towards one another but i dont think that we need to be! we shouldnt spend our time comparing ourselves and putting one another down. rather lifting each other up.

    one day. you will be amazing at each of the yoga moves. some take months to learn others years. you will perfect them but i know that you will be a bigger person than those women and you would never make those remarks at anyone else.

    xx

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  4. Francesca Palacio13 October 2013 at 21:23

    OMG. that's horrible that you had to be with those catty bitchfaces. :(

    But I'm here to tell you that you are not alone with the crying. I cry all the time, over stupid things too! I cry over the fact that I'm so tired all I want to do is lie on my floor and cry. Sometimes I even cry because I saw a stupid ad on the tv. I cry because I feel lonely most of the time and noone really understands why. I cry because sometimes my expectations that I have of myself and my realities don't really match. And sometimes I cry because I just want to eat some pastry and there's nothing in my house.

    Keep doing what you're doing Brit! You're doing really well.. and just keep in mind that you're doing this for you and not for anyone else.

    xx

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